Highlight Commentary From The Inaugural Coronavirus Task Force Vs. Space Force Softball Game

July 15, 2020. The stage is set. The battle of the forces. No, it’s not a Police vs Firefighter game of strength and toughness. It’s the first annual Coronavirus Task Force vs. Space Force Softball game, and everyone is watching.

The setting is breathtaking. A cornfield, carved into what appears to be a baseball diamond of some sort, is the center of attention as spectators, probably nine of them or so, pour in from the gravel paved parking lot.

The home team, the Coronavirus Task Force Plague Pirates, are in their dugout. Well, let me rephrase that. The 19 players are in 19 tiny dugouts, each six feet apart. On the visitor side, The Space Force Nonessential Tigers are gearing up in their plastic suits and faceless motorcycle helmets. Peter Baskins, a former Life Insurance Sales rep and now captain of The Space Force said “Yeah. You know. We are ready. This softball game may be the most relevant mission we ever have.”

As with any softball team, recruiting was of the upmost importance. Franco Fauci, the 6'3, 300 pound nephew of Dr. Fauci, was the Coronavirus team’s slugger and focal point. “Yeah, my uncle told me to just hit the ball away from other people. So that’s what I’m going to do” said Franco, through his mask that barely covered his chin. On the Space Force side you had Mark McGwire, former MLB star. “Why am I here? Well, they paid me a lot to play in this game. When I questioned why, they just told me that they had unlimited funds and nothing else to do with the money. So, here I am.”

As the game began, it was quite obvious neither side knew what they were doing. The umpires, wearing nothing but thongs, cleats, and face-masks, seemed out of place. At first. After awhile, however, it all made sense. They were there as a distraction.

The first three innings lasted seven hours, as both teams only bunted. As an outsider looking in, you would have thought it was a basketball game, as going into the top of the fourth the score was : Space Force 47, Coronavirus 45. Seven of the nine fans had already left, most of them claiming that their wife had called to tell them that dinner was ready. The two remaining fans, one for each team, seemed ready to fight anything or anybody. Things were about to get interesting.

In the top of the fourth inning, McGwire got fed up with bunting and blasted a home run, hitting a farmhouse and breaking a window. Panic ensued. The Umpires exchanged phone numbers, the fans slashed each other’s tires, and the players bolted. All that was left was this empty cornfield, a few left behind face masks, and 4 bags of rehydratable peanuts in the Space Force Dugout.

We will unfortunately never know how the game ended. There was speculation of an upcoming White House briefing as to when the nationally important rematch would be rescheduled, but to this day, nothing. All of the players involved have been kept quiet, with the only known sighting being Franco Fauci playing in a neighborhood stick ball game in the Bronx.